


Himitsu (Unspoken)

by aegicheezu



Category: BUCK-TICK, Jrock, X JAPAN, hide with Spread Beaver
Genre: Confessions, Fluff, Inspired by Music, Love Confessions, M/M, Music, Mutual Pining, Pining, RPF, Romantic Fluff, Sharing a Bed, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 21:27:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17588729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aegicheezu/pseuds/aegicheezu
Summary: Though their bands indulged in playful rivalries in public, Hide and Atsushi are practically inseparable offstage and away from the cameras; after a Music Station taping, the men to finally confront a truth that had been slowly bubbling to the surface.





	Himitsu (Unspoken)

**Author's Note:**

> (1) hide is capitalized as Hide for ease of reading 
> 
> (2) thanks for reading! This ended up being way fluffier than I'd originally intended, but that's just how the characters ended up. Writing's funny that way.

Atsushi smiled and slowly pushed open the studio door – there was no danger of him being detected, though; the members of X-Japan were in the middle of a rehearsal, and only focusing on one thing. He shut the door behind him and sat down on  nearby chair, waiting to be noticed. He gingerly crossed his leg and tapped his foot along to the music, heavy guitar and drums filling the space and making it difficult to think; but Atsushi didn’t mind.

Out of habit, Atsushi’s gaze wandered to Hide; watching him play was always such a joy, no matter how often this same scene played out. Something about the way he held the guitar so lovingly, expertly, in his hands, and played with all the focus of a university student trying to ace his exams, cigarette perched dangerously, but delicately, between his half-parted lips – _how pretty he is_ , Atsushi smiled as he watched. This wasn’t a new thought; as such, Atsushi was unbothered by how his heart seemed to swell as he looked on lovingly, watching Hide strut up and down, swishing his mass of red hair as he played. They’d been friends for ages; Atsushi had been instantly drawn to the older man when he’d seen him perform at a livehouse years ago – and the rest, as they say, was history.

He stared at the intensely focused men until Toshi finally glanced up from the mic and saw him, not breaking concentration, but winking hello. Atsushi grinned back and waved his hand. Toshi pointed at him playfully, and soon the others registered his presence and smiled, too. Continuing their set, the men played around and made faces at each other, making Atsushi laugh. Closing his eyes and leaning back in the chair, he listened to Toshi’s singing. _So soulful and pretty_ , he mused happily. _It would be fun to do a duet one day_. Finally, the song concluded and Toshi set down his mic to greet Atsushi.

“That was really great,” Atsushi beamed. “You always sound so good. I love sneaking in to watch you guys.”

“Hey stranger,” he clapped a hand on the other man’s shoulder and squeezed. “Long time no see,” he said sarcastically. “Hide, your husband’s here,” he laughed, calling to the red-haired man.

“Oh, shut up,” Hide laughed as he bounced over to the pair, smacking Toshi’s shoulder and smiling. “You’re just jealous that the handsome frontman of a rival band likes me better than he likes you.” He stuck his tongue out at Toshi, who smirked and stuck out his tongue right back. “Hey, Acchan,” Hide looked at the younger man and grinned. “Picking me up for dinner, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied, waving sheepishly at the others, still poised at their instruments. “Hey guys,” he grinned his crooked grin and suddenly felt very small, despite the warm smiles of the other men in greeting. He turned back to Hide. “Shall we?” his eyes softened as they looked at the older man.

“Yeah, I’m starving,” Hide replied, twirling a piece of his long hair and linking arms with the tall man.

“One of these days, you should bring us some food, too,” Pata grinned, winking at Atsushi as he lit a cigarette. “We rehearse again tomorrow, I guess we’ll see you then?”

Atsushi smiled. “Yeah,” he nodded, running a hand through his long hair. “I’ll see you guys again tomorrow,” he patted Hide’s shoulder. “I’ll bring snacks next time.”

Hide gathered his bag. “Let’s go, Acchan,” he pulled on Atsushi’s sleeve. “Make me something delicious.”

 

*

 

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to keep crashing your rehearsals like this, Hide?” Atsushi asked, tone pensive as he slipped noodles into the pot of boiling water.

Hide leaned against the counter and made a face, thinking. “Of course it’s fine. We’ve been friends for ages.” He poked the taller man’s side. “You come to my rehearsals, and I go to yours. That’s just how it is.”

“Yeah, but…” Atsushi ran both hands through his hair, trying to tame his fringe. “I don’t know. I get the feeling not everyone in X is my biggest fan,” he shrugged. “Does Yochan think I’m gonna try and steal you away or something?” He looked sad suddenly, like a child being blamed for something they didn’t do.

Hide laughed. “I’m sure he doesn’t think that,” Hide reassured. “You’re so sweet,” Hide cocked his head cutely and pinched Atsushi’s cheek. “How is it you can be so different, onstage and off?” he asked, eyes wide. “In front of a crowd, you’re so smooth and confident, but here with me…” he held the younger man’s cheek. “Here with me you’re so cute.”

Atsushi blushed a little, unsure of how to respond. “Hide, that’s…” he looked away; suddenly Atsushi could not bear to look the red-haired man in the eye. He deflected. “Come on, you said you’d help me with dinner tonight.”

Hide winked. “That’s not exactly what I said,” he corrected, waging a finger playfully, “I said I’d buy the drinks. I never said anything about helping you cook.” He stole a slice of carrot and munched obnoxiously, making Atsushi’s grin widen.

“Sneaky,” Atsushi smirked, but wasn’t mad.

 

*

****

Just like it was Atsushi’s habit to sneak into X’s rehearsals to pick Hide up, it was a habit of Hide’s to watch Buck Tick’s rehearsals, too. Today, the group was practicing for their upcoming spot on _Music Station_ ; they would be debuting a new song, and everything needed to be executed perfectly. He let himself into the studio space just like he had done dozens of times before; the group was in the middle of a song, so he didn’t interrupt. Atsushi saw him and winked hello, a soft flutter in his fingers at the mic waving at him. Hide smiled back and sat on the floor against the wall, watching his friend perform. _This must be their new song_ , he smiled and rested his head against the cool surface of the wall and listened. Atsushi’s deep, honey voice filled the room and made his heart swell.

 

_Why can’t I float into the sky like the wind, like the clouds?_   
_Why don’t I have wings?_   
_Like the stars, like the moon,_   
_I have no wings enfolding everything_   
_and sinking into the night, ah..._

Atsushi flipped his long hair, emphasizing the poetry and he seemed to stare straight into Hide’s heart. The red-haired man couldn’t take his eyes off of him; not that he would have wanted to, anyway. Hide felt his heartbeat quicken, watching the singer sway and flex his fingers around the mic stand as naturally as if he were doing something just a little more suggestive – Hide licked his lips as he held Atsushi’s gaze, completely enthralled.

 

_Why can’t I float into the sky like the wind, like the clouds?_   
_Why don’t I have wings?_   
_This love and these scars are so dear_   
_Now, they poignantly begin to ache, ah…_

Though Hide had spent many an afternoon watching Atsushi practice, something about the way he was singing today made his heart hurt. _Is it the lyrics that are affecting me_? He wondered. _Why can’t I look away_? He did not have long to think on it; the song finished, and Atsushi brought Hide out of his reverie with a gentle ruffle of his hair.

“So?” Atsushi asked, baring his beautiful teeth. “What do you think?” he ran both hands through his hair, the thinnest film of sweat clinging to his brow from the effort of the rehearsal. Hide instinctively wiped his friend’s forehead with his sleeve; suddenly though, as if the gesture was too intimate, neither man felt able to look the other in the eye.

“It’s beautiful, Acchan,” Hide replied, bashful. He smiled at the others. “Hey guys,” he waved. “That was really good,” he rummaged through his bag and wandered over to Imai and the others, handing them each a chocolate. “I wanted to bring beers, but these looked cuter,” he explained, grinning cheesily. The men laughed. “Is that the new song you’re playing at Music Station?”

Imai set his guitar down and lit a cigarette. “Yeah,” he replied. “What do you think?” he lit a second cigarette for Hide, who took it gratefully.

“I love it,” Hide grinned. “It’s very broody. It’s beautiful,” he looked over at Atsushi and offered him the cigarette. “Your eyes always change when you sing, you know,” he said, bumping shoulders.

“Do they?” Atsushi asked, taking a drag and then handing it back to Hide. “I didn’t know that,” he sighed, tired from the practice. “Let’s do it again one more time before we call it a day, alright?” He checked with the others, who nodded. “Then, let’s get a drink,” he turned back to Hide and winked.

“Deal,” Hide winked back, the cigarette delicately perched between his lips.

 

*

 

**_= A FEW DAYS LATER =_ **

 

Hide, fed up with his writer’s block, dialed the familiar number and waited patiently for Atsushi to pick up.

“Hello?” Atsushi’s voice was gentle; Hide could hear music in the background. He must be writing, he realized.

“I’m trying to write, but nothing’s coming. Help me,” Hide pouted, pressing his hands to his cheeks; they were a little warm – he’d been drinking to try and help the ideas flow.

Atsushi laughed. “Oh, it’s you, Hide,” he realized quickly. “Sure. I’ll be there soon.”

 

*

 

Atsushi arrived at Hide’s door with his hands full of supplies from the 24-hour mart down the road – he knew that when Hide called him, tipsy and frustrated, the best cure was junk food. He knocked rhythmically against the door and waited for the familiar sound of Hide’s socked feet making their way to him. “Honey, I’m home,” he sing-songed as he heard Hide turn the lock.

“Hey stranger,” Hide smiled, leaning out of the door, arms braced against the frame. “Long time no see,” he grinned his crooked grin.

“Let me in, it’s cold,” Atsushi took Hide’s chin in hand. “I brought you all your favourites.” Hide took the bags from the other man and let him enter the apartment, easily slipping his shoes off. Atsushi’s eyes were immediately drawn to the mess in the living room; papers everywhere, and empty cans of beer, crushed in frustration, scattered on the small table. “You’re really stuck, aren’t you?” Atsushi smiled kindly. “Come on, I’ll help you.”

The men meandered through the mess and went into the kitchen to unpack the goodies Atsushi had brought. This was a familiar scene; many nights after a practice or an evening of drinking with their bandmates, the pair ended up in Hide’s kitchen, delightfully drunk, and craving salty things.

Atsushi, the taller of the two, noticed something that made him smile as he helped himself to a beer from the fridge. “Hide, your roots need doing,” he teased. “Do you have extra dye?”

Hide brought a hand to the top of his head. “I know, I’ve been lazy,” he smiled, curling a piece of his hair in his fingers. “Wanna help me?”

“Sure,” Atsushi replied. “A break from song-writing will do you good.” He opened a pack of cuttlefish crackers and popped a few in his mouth, and Hide made a face. “What?” he asked, laughing.

“Your breath will smell like fish now, that’s no fun,” he winked, and took Atsushi by the wrist into the living room; he bounced off to the bathroom to retrieve his hair dye, leaving Atsushi to wonder what he meant.

 _Why did I say that?_ Hide chastised himself while he rummaged through his rather large makeup bag for the dye. _It just came out_ … he sighed, and looked at himself in the mirror. _Control yourself, Hide. What if he doesn’t look at you like that? Are you gonna throw your friendship away?_ He quickly splashed water on his face and patted the droplets away with his hands. Gathering himself, he shuffled cutely back into the living room to find Atsushi on the sofa, reading through some of Hide’s lyrical scribblings. He sat down next to him. “So, what do you think?” He asked, setting down the boxes.

“They’re different,” Atsushi replied honestly, tone soft, contemplative. _“The disappearing memories from the beginning… Where do they want to go to? Your freedom was called nonsensical… You're sleeping, with your wings closed… Ever free, piercing through this night… If you wake up, will you be able to fly freely?”_ He closed his eyes, as if trying to feel the words a different way. “It’s pretty different to Yochan’s writing,” he noted. “I like it, but it doesn’t sound like X’s usual stuff. Is that why you’re having writer’s block?”

“I was going for different, actually,” Hide explained. “These aren’t for X,” he admitted slowly. “They’re for me.”

“Ahh,” Atsushi nodded, understanding. “I get it.” He wrapped a supportive arm around Hide and squeezed. “It’s a beautiful song, Hide. Will you sing it for me one day, when it’s finished?”

Hide looked into the other man’s eyes. “You won’t tell anyone, will you? Not yet.”

“Of course not.” Atsushi smiled back. “It’ll be our secret, alright?”

Hide seemed to relax at that. “I’ll sing it for you, when it’s done.” He lolled his head against Atsushi’s arm around him.

“Good,” Atsushi was satisfied with that, patting Hide’s knee. “Now, let me help you with your hair.”

Laughter.

 

*

 

Sometime later, when the dye had been washed out and their red hands cleaned at last, and the last of the beer and snacks were consumed, between the stories and word games, Hide had fallen asleep on Atsushi’s lap. An overwhelming feeling of longing tugged at his heart; not because Hide had fallen asleep and left him awake in the night in an apartment that was not his own, but because he was alone with his thoughts. He stroked Hide’s long hair, still a little wet from the shower he’d taken to wash the excess dye from his hair. The familiar smell of the older man’s shampoo made him smile; he looked down at the gently snoring guitarist, and remarked how small he seemed, legs curled up on the sofa and his body lying on top of him.

“What are we doing, Hide?” Atsushi whispered, knowing he would not get an answer. He wasn’t sure he needed one; not at that moment, anyway. “Is there… is there something more for us?” speaking the words aloud at last made his heart beat a little faster, but he was not afraid of it. He shook his head, and smiled.

 

*

 

**_= MUSIC STATION RECORDING =_ **

 

From just offstage, Hide watched anxiously as Atsushi performed their new song. Though he had heard it before in rehearsals, something was different this time; of course it was. Now, there were cameras, and Atsushi was done up – his makeup and outfit precisely designed, every movement calculated and rehearsed. And, like always, Hide could not take his eyes off of him.

 

_In front of the mirror, I doze off with you, your fingertips light pink_   
_Your hand unconsciously showed me its weakness, and you shut your lips_   
_That day, we exchanged promises_   
_And now, we’re together, without remembering_

_Your ears are bored by a tedious song, and you gaze out of the window_   
_Shall I put on the dress and dance for you? Am I crazy? Please tell me_   
_Someday, maybe, we’ll be caressed by the wind_   
_And now, we’re together, without remembering_

_Why can’t I float into the sky like the wind, like the clouds?_   
_Why don’t I have wings?_   
_Like the stars, like the moon,_   
_I have no wings enfolding everything and sinking into the night, ah..._

Atsushi knew Hide was watching him from backstage; though part of him longed to see him in the crowd, he was happy to know he would soon be able to collapse into his arms after the performance. He closed his eyes and felt every word on his tongue like dark chocolate, melting as he sang with as much passion as he could.

_Don’t forget those days that overflowed with love_   
_Without even remembering your face_   
_Someday, maybe, I'll be erased by the wind_   
_And now, we’re together, without remembering_

_Why can’t I float into the sky like the wind, like the clouds?_   
_Why don’t I have wings?_   
_Like the stars, like the moon,_   
_I have no wings enfolding everything and sinking into the night, ah..._

_Why can’t I float into the sky like the wind, like the clouds?_   
_Why don’t I have wings?_   
_This love and these scars are so dear_   
_Now, they poignantly begin to ache, ah…_

 

Hide watched in amazement as Atsushi strut up and down the stage, the mic in his hand like it was something else – his mind could not help but wander. _How could he be so effortlessly sexy, just walking around_? Hide licked his lips. _It’s not fair, the way he looks at the crowd like that… look back at me._ He waited for the band to take their bows and head offstage towards their seats at the panel; taking one last, longing look at Atsushi as he sat down for their interview, Hide slipped back and headed to the singer’s dressing room.

 

*

 

Atsushi knew Hide was waiting for him; as soon as he exited the panel with the rest of the band, he made a bee-line for his dressing room. Something in his heart made his whole body vibrate with excitement; he flung open the door and saw Hide there, perched against the makeup counter, waiting.

“Hey, handsome,” Hide grinned cheesily, turning to greet him and opening his arms. “You did a great job.” Atsushi collapsed into the older man’s arms and sighed contentedly.

“You think so?” He asked, breathless. Unthinkingly, Atsushi pressed his forehead to Hide’s and stood still a moment, one arm snaked around the shorter man’s waist and he hooked his thumb in Hide’s jeans waistband.

Atsushi’s hands on the bare skin of Hide’s waist felt hot, comforting. “Acchan…?” Hide asked softly, feeling the other man’s arms around him – he looked into Atsushi’s eyes as they stood there, foreheads together and catching their breath. “Are you alright?” Hide raised a tentative hand to the taller man’s cheek.

“Yeah,” Atsushi replied, nodding. “Yeah.” He scanned Hide’s eyes for permission, and when he saw it, he gently pressed a kiss to his lips. _Please don’t push me away…_

Hide sunk into the taller man’s embrace and wrapped his arms around his neck, pulling him in closer as he returned the kiss. “Acchan… you…” he smiled against Atsushi’s lips.

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long…” Atsushi admitted. “Hide, I… please tell me I’m not wrong.” He held tighter to the older man’s waist.

“No, Acchan, you… you’re not wrong.” He took his cheeks in both hands and kissed him again. “I, too…” he whispered against Atsushi’s lips, “let’s get out of here, take me home.” 

Atsushi grinned.

 

*

 

Hours later, the moon had risen in the sky and filled Hide’s bedroom with a silver light, inexplicably warm. Clothes were strewn about the floor like discarded autumn leaves, and the two musicians lay entwined together in Hide’s bed, laughing softly and telling stories. Atsushi twirled pieces of Hide’s long, red hair in his fingers as they sang together.

When the song was over, Hide turned to the younger man in the bed and smiled. “Come to rehearsal again tomorrow,” he brushed Atsushi’s long black hair from his eyes, and kissed him slowly. 

“Are you sure?” Atsushi replied, voice low and raspy; strained from the moans that rocked the room moments earlier.

“Of course I’m sure,” Hide nestled in closer to Atsushi, and encircled him in his arms. “This’ll be our secret.”


End file.
